Sunday, April 23, 2006

This Anonymous Lawyer person needs some anonymous sex or something to cheer him up.

I don't know if any of you have ever read this Anonymous Lawyer blog, but it is kind of hilarious. Obvi it's totally fake, but my only suggestion would be to add some fun photos of fabulous firm events, like that Dewey B event at Reebok where I accidentally told a partner I was a Stein Scholar, or that Willks Diversity Event where after 3 mohitos with fresh mint and lime I berated the lady who worked for the NFL for being anti-Brokeback. But I digress. Some recent highlights:

Anonymous Lawyer on US News Rankings:
I think it's pretty shameful that U.S. News couldn't make up it's mind about what school to rank #8 and had three schools tie for the spot. Just like in the pre-lockout National Hockey League, I hate ties. Make up your mind, U.S. News, even if it's based on nothing. I want a complete rank ordering. No ties. After all, there's no room for ties when we're deciding which associates to give a bonus to at the end of the year.

Anonymous Lawyer on Katie Couric:
I don't have an opinion about Katie Couric, because the evening news is on television in the middle of the day, and anyone who watches it is probably unemployed. I find it very difficult to have an opinion about someone whose job is to read the news off a teleprompter at 6:30 in the afternoon. I don't care if it's Katie Couric or Brian Williams or Mr. Ed. I think Katie Couric is a perfectly pleasant newsreader. But I think her job is pretty useless. When I was growing up, we watched the evening news. But with cable news networks and the Internet, network news has outlived its usefulness. Just like women who've passed childbearing age.

Anonymous Lawyer on Women in General:
I think the women who work at the firm, for the most part, are just as competent as the men, and in many cases considerably more competent, since in order to get as far as they've gotten, they've had to overcome some amount of gender bias inherent in the system.... This of course excludes women who get pregnant, or the ones who spend all day thinking about the possibility of getting pregnant to such an extent that it distracts them from working, or the ones who merely retain the ability of becoming pregnant, even if they're currently choosing not to exercise that option. Those women are obviously a liability to the firm.

Any my fave, Anonymous Lawyer on Passover:
So this year we're bending over backwards to accommodate our associates' needs by having a Passover seder at the firm, in one of the conference rooms. We've told the associates they can invite their spouses and kids, and we found a Haggadah that boils the story of Passover down to a 6-8 minute reading before the meal. So we'll go through that, do a quick meal catered in from somewhere appropriately kosher, and have everyone back at his desk in 45 minutes, tops. So everyone who wants to can balance work and the holiday and no one has any cause for complain. We're even extending the invitation to people's parents and in-laws, if they want to invite them, and if they're willing to pay the cost of their food plus a small surcharge for the firm's efforts to organize it all. We're hiring a rabbi -- well, a man dressed as a rabbi, from a casting agency we work with sometimes -- to lead the whole thing, and hopefully it'll go off without a hitch and shut everybody up about our religious insensitivity.

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