Sunday, April 30, 2006

It was like asking the canary what she thinks about the mine...

Yesterday, JF, ER and I were in a classroom doing a practice exam when in walked a tour of F.U. Law hopefuls. The tour guide sat them all down in the room and they started to ask us questions about what we thought about F.U. Law. Rather than letting ourselves throw things at them and lashing out about the LibraryHeatWave and the stupid Rule 19 checklist and how screwed we are, we said that "we really like the people," and "Dean T is great." JF was even wearing her F.U. Law flip-flops and managed to lift her foot on the table to show them despite her sciatic injuries and not having done CFC in weeks. I really had to work hard to not blurt out "STAY IN COLLEGE AS LONG AS YOU CAN!!!!!!" or "MOVE TO BRAZIL AND TEACH NAKED YOGA INSTEAD!!!!!"

Then the children thanked us and went along their way...leaving us to carry on as they probably went "running" or "shopping" or "out for a movie," things we have put in the time capsule for a later date. But we took some joy in knowing that in about a year, they too will be wearing sweatpants, saying no to e-vites, and flipping through gilberts to try and find something to put down on paper 5 days before the final.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

A great day for the medical profession...

Let's recap a little conversation I had recently:

FW: Dr. L, I keep getting these huge stress pimples. The rhinoceros strength benzyl peroxide is not working. Help me.
Dr. L: You have to carr me when you get them.
FW: Um, and will you talk to them over the phone?
Dr. L: No, you make appointment and come in.
FW: And then what?
Dr. L: I shoot it.
FW: So every time I feel that I am getting one, I have to leave my studying (slash blogging), make an appointment, come in, wait around to be seen, get shot, then pay the $35 co-pay, and then walk all the way back to the library?
Dr. L: Yes. But I onrry here Monday through Thursday, so if you get one on weekend, that is too bad.
FW: OK. Thanks?

Also, another message about erectile dysfunction makes it through my spam filter. Maybe spam filter sees all the Viagra pens, hats, scarves and ties I get from my urologist father and thinks I have the ED? Maybe spam filter is encouraging me to go out more? Who knows, but the language at the bottom of the email is most perplexing. I didn't make this up. It's almost poetic. O, unknown sender, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

From: (unknown sender) [it actually says that, i didn't edit it]
Date: April 29, 2006
Subject: (no subject)

"Cia-lis Sof`tabs" is better than Pfizer V`ia`g`ra
and normal Ci-ialis because:

- Guarantes 40 hours lasting
- Safe to take, no side efects at all
- Boost and increase se-xual performance
- Harder e`rectiiions and quick recharge
- Proven and certified by experts and doctors
- only $1.56 per tabs
- Special offeer! These prices
- are valid until 30th of April!

Clisk here:

hydrophobic petrochemical grass carboxylic nicodemus shred detergent artifact handicap sycamore
sheffield deep inhomogeneity predominate dahomey ketchup bmw circumstance paris
malignant morse catastrophe vought armonk w ineffectual forgetting stateroom civilian cockpit
prolix dispel inscription cheerlead capstan notion feedback partook
eluate cube silage perch nair nuisance diversion nicholls
sulky ellwood seventieth around confirm collector cormorant arrange

Friday, April 28, 2006

If this is what the future holds, Dr. Atkins will be ROLLING in his grave...

Congrats to the 1Ls for being done with classes! Now we ONLY have to take 4 finals and do a writing competition (and then move out of our apartments and then start work!). Sweet!

Dean T also wanted to congratulate us today:

Dear Students,

Congratulations on concluding another great semester! As you finish classes today and prepare to take exams, I am writing to tell you that the future will hold cupcakes and ice cream.
If this is what my future holds, then I should probably get a gym membership, right? He goes on:
In order to encourage all of you to take a well-deserved break during the exam period, cupcakes and ice cream will be available on Thursday, May 4th and Monday, May 8th at 12:30 and 4:30 in the Law School's cafeteria.
If Dean T thinks he can continue to buy us off with cupcakes and ice cream, then...well...he's right, because we like him.

If cupcakes and ice cream don't excite you, maybe more SBA related emails will! From the SBA:
If nothing else, this past election proved that there are many students with some ideas about how to improve [F.U. Law]. The SBA Board has four seats for Senators and we are accepting applications (attachment below). I realize that we are entering finals, but we would appreciate it if you would complete an application during finals, they're not that long, so that we can set a Board before the summer starts. Interviews will be conducted May 18th. Applications will be due by 5:00pm on Monday, May 15th.
Um...personally, I choose the carbs.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

They must have gotten an ipod or something from their crapload of points cause why the f else would they be smiling?

My friend LL from a law school south of here raised an interesting question today: Why are these Westlaw peeps so f-ing happy? Did you ever think Legal Research could be this fun? F-Dubbs has some theories. Feel free to add your own.

1. They just got free flip-flops.

2. They just got free cupcakes.

3. They just had a threesome.

4. The two boys ask her to have a threesome and she says sure. Then they all start laughing because she only sleeps with women.

5. The two boys ask her to have a threesome and she says sure. Then they all start laughing because everyone involved is gay.

6. Prof H.B. just had a K review session with them and they have no choice but to laugh to avoid crying.

7. Prof Saigs just had a Prop review session with them and they have no choice but to laugh to avoid crying. Then they start crying.

8. They have actually seen the outside world in the last week.

9. They just finished their last final and realize they get to start reading the Bluebook.

10. They just found out Lexis is going to pay them double to go smile over there.

F-Dubbs' Flip Flop Fever!

Sorry I couldn't post these fabulous flip-flop fotos earlier, but here they are, especially for our non-F.U. Law friends to see what they are missing! Also sorry we couldn't get any pics of people actually wearing them, but obvi no one has had time for a pedi, so everyone was too embarrassed to put them on....

Dean T personally overseeing the fun!

Mayhem quickly ensues....

Still fresh...Were these designed by Paul Smith?

They go great with Con Law!

They weren't joking about the imprints in the sand!
It's just like that story about g*d carrying you
and so there were only one set of footprints....
Now those prints will say F.U.!!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Moo Court: Summer Lovin'...

So you thought you had a summer vacation, heh? Not so much if you want to do Moo Court. I just went to the meeting and got the schedule for the summer competition. The meeting itself brought back horrible memories of my nerd-tastic high school debate years (I was known as quite the masterdebator back then) (And yes, we used that word all the time on the bus on Saturdays at 7:12am going to tournaments and thought we were the funniest kids ever). (We also said things like, "when are they going to post, I want to see if I broke!").

The schedule is just what you dream about doing the summer after 1L year. Luckily the locations of these events were chosen specifically not to mess up with any summer travel plans:

Sunday June, 25th - Briefs Due

Wednesday, July 5th - Saturday, July 8th: 1st Preliminary Rounds [Easthampton]

Monday, July 10th - Thursday, July 13th: 2nd Preliminary Rounds [Southampton]

Monday, July 17th: Quarter Finals [Nantucket]

Tuesday, July 18th: Semifinals [Martha's V]

Wednesday, July 19th: Finals [Bridgehampton]
See y'all there!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

John Kerry has NOTHING on Dean T...

The most amazing email ever has come into the inboxes of the F.U. Law Community. This is not, I repeat, NOT, a joke. I don't even think any commentary is appropriate here, because the email speaks for itself. Nevertheless, I will just say that (a) the libes is now going to smell a whole lot funkier, as with temps now up to 109º, sweaty bare flip flop stank is going to permeate the entire libes, and (b) I'm going to St. Barths this weekend, so this is perfect timing! And by St. Barths I mean S6.

NH's favorite part is the "imprint in the sand" imagry. Mine is the fact that Dean T acknowledges that not only is this gift special, it is VERY SPECIAL.

Dear [F.U.] Law School Students,

As we quickly approach the end of the semester, I would like to wish you all a productive and restorative summer. To speed you on your way, I have a gift for you: A VERY SPECIAL, ONE-TIME-ONLY, LIMITED EDITION, PAIR OF [F.U.] LAW SCHOOL FLIP FLOPS!

The flip flops will be distributed in the Law School cafeteria on Wednesday, April 26, from 1:00 to 3:00 pm and from 5:30 to 7:00 pm, and on Thursday, April 27, from 11:00 am to 1:00 pm. Please stop by with your [F.U.] Law ID to pick yours up. Special thanks are due to Lauren T, who located the vendor who produced these very fine articles of footwear.

If you should find yourself on a beach at any point in the months ahead, please make sure that the [F.U.] Law imprint is stamped deeply and repeatedly into the sand. You will be doing your part to help spread the [F.U.] Law name. I would, of course, particularly appreciate it if you wear [F.U] Law flip flops as you wear your [F.U.] Law centennial hat.

Have a terrific summer!

Dean T

SBAHackGateWatch Day 7: This shit is DUNZO! (Thank g*d, cause if we had made it to "SBAHackGateWatch: double digits" I would have been PISSED...)

I hope now we can put this whole event behind us, and maybe read an outline or two before next week. It certainly took long enough, but sometimes the road to freedom is long and arduous. (I also learned this lesson a few weeks ago in Boston trying to walk along that red line from Faneuil Hall to my friend's apt). In the end though, it looks like the smear campaigns worked, but nobody said F.U. politics was pretty.

From: SBA
To: SBA@law.[].edu
CC: Nitza E, William T, Michael S
Date: Tuesday - April 25, 2006 5:37 PM
Subject: SBA Congratulates the NEW EXECUTIVE BOARD!!!

The SBA would like to CONGRATULATE the following students for being elected to the 2006-2007 SBA Executive Board:

President - Sean H
Vice President - Morgan H
Evening Vice President - Kate H
Treasurer - Andrew H
Secretary - Valerie B

Thank you to everyone who took the time to vote...

Twice (or in some cases, three or four times).

It's like Brokedown Palace over here...

Most of us are just women on the verge of a nervous breakdown these days. Others of us, however, have reached the level of Brokedown Palace (BDP), and a subset of that group has broken down publicly.

JF broke down last week at Ruby Foo's while in the middle of dinner with her parents. She went to the bathroom to pull herself together, but when she sat down again, she literally said, "There's no time...There's NEVER ANY TIME," as the tears flew out.

KS told me that he was BDP when he woke up yesterday because his roommate used all the floss. It pushed him over the edge.

A girl in the libes yesterday had a full on BDP episode when she accidentally caught her fingers between her chair and the table. I think the physical pain opened the floodgates for the emotional kind. There was a lot of it hiding behind her UCC binder.

I saw a boy completely fall apart two days ago because his highlighter ran out. Another girl threw her E+E from the balcony on S4 down to S3 in rage, and yet another screamed in the not-really-sound-proof study rooms for everyone to hear.

And after the Saigs property review session massacre, I swear I saw two section 5/6ers collapse on the stairs. The rest of us just ran over them to get the leftover bagels in the atrium.

As for me, I had two BDP's yesterday alone. First, when blogger wouldn't let me post anything I almost threw my computer at the undergrads in the Lo Caf and ER had to pet my head to stop the tears. THEN, when I got home, I had a BDP when I looked in the mirror because I saw that my stress pimple has grown back to full form. This is AFTER my dermatologist shot it two (2) times with cortisone and gave me the strongest benzyl peroxide known to the human race. My roomies had to put me to bed. It was not pretty.

Monday, April 24, 2006

A Day of Indecency: Somebody get Michael Powell over here and quick...

Today has been a shameful day for morals and decency. Superbowl Nipplegate has NOTHING on what Sections 5 and 6 had to endure over the last few days. After a weekend hearing about permanent erections and rectal exams in CivPro Purgatory Review, we had to discuss some dirty, dirty cases today in Con Law.

First, the Cohen case. This man had a jacket on that said “Fuck the Draft.” Our Prof actually said “fuck” in class. Like a lot.

THEN, we had to listen to George Carlin’s monologue about banned words, being forced to hear the words Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits over and over and over again. Our Prof even tried to hook the computer up to the A/V system so the whole school would be forced to listen to them’ fighting words. In case you missed that: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.

Other words that came up included buttock, pubic, and breast, all when discussing adult theatres and strip clubs. SHAME AND HORROR. And I thought this was a Jesuit Institution.

TO TOP THIS ALL OFF, I have come across the following flashcard in the Law in a Flash Contracts Series. Do you HAVE to become a major perv when you become a legal academic? Apparently. Sad part is, I don't even know the answer.

John Smith is holding a stag party for a buddy, and he hires Pocahontas to perform cartwheels, in the nude, at the bash. The party is set for October 15, with Pocahontas to be paid $250 after her performance. She calls Smith, September 15, and announces she has retired and will not perform at his party. Must Smith wait until October 15 to file for breach of contract?

SBAHackGateWatch Day 6: OH NO SHE DI-INT!!!!

This email made it into our inboxes this morning. (I think FU Law IT has taken over this blog because I couldn't post all day, which means these posts might be dated. Whatever, not like this blog has any relevance anyway, so what's a late post or two?)

This email may be the most special of them all. I don't mean to be mean here, but let's face it, this sounds like Katherine Harris getting herself ready for a Senate Bid. The Highlights:

From: Rebecca K
Date: Apr 23, 2006 11:22 PM
Subject: FLW - Please Vote Wisely in the SBA re-vote

...For the past week and a half, many people have questioned my honesty and integrity. They accused me of helping to rig the vote and of being otherwise involved in the fraud becaue I didnt like the way things were turning out. Many other negative comments were made about the SBA and its accomplishments in the past year. At any point in time Mike could have come forward to help clear my name, but he did not. Instead, he chose to try to let someone else take the fall for his actions. And then, to add to the insult, he has tried to make himself look like a noble individual for coming forward and alerting the Administration about the flaw in the technology. He even posted on the [F.U.] law examiner "I am pleased to know that the integrity of the elections process has been maintained." The truth of the matter is that the integrity of the election was raised due to his own deeds...

OH, SNAP! This shit is getting Fugly. Also, I think I saw someone in Con Law vote twice today, just to see if she could. I think it may have worked. Get ready for the blue ink peeps, get ready.

SBAHackGateWatch Day 6 (It may look like we took the weekend off, but we were still watching): Anyway, WHY HAVEN'T YOU VOTED YET??!?!?

It's Day 6 of SBAHackGateWatch: The Day Round 2 Begins...and I just know the F.U. Law community can barely hide their excitement about voting for a SECOND TIME!!! Obvi, we got an email about it this morning, with the requisite apology for wasting everyone's time. What they forgot to say was, "If you figure out a way to hack into the system and change the votes, please, for the love of g*d, either don't do it or do it and don't TELL anyone so we can get started on our Centennial + 1 sign making."

But I think we all know what's going to happen. This Jeremy Schiffer kid is going to fix it so two peeps are going to tie (just to REALLY fuck with us), and they are going to have a run off election. Taking estimates on how many emails we are going to get about it. Person who is closest without going over gets the pink bedazzled F.U. t-shirt and shorts set currently on display in the bookstore.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

This Anonymous Lawyer person needs some anonymous sex or something to cheer him up.

I don't know if any of you have ever read this Anonymous Lawyer blog, but it is kind of hilarious. Obvi it's totally fake, but my only suggestion would be to add some fun photos of fabulous firm events, like that Dewey B event at Reebok where I accidentally told a partner I was a Stein Scholar, or that Willks Diversity Event where after 3 mohitos with fresh mint and lime I berated the lady who worked for the NFL for being anti-Brokeback. But I digress. Some recent highlights:

Anonymous Lawyer on US News Rankings:
I think it's pretty shameful that U.S. News couldn't make up it's mind about what school to rank #8 and had three schools tie for the spot. Just like in the pre-lockout National Hockey League, I hate ties. Make up your mind, U.S. News, even if it's based on nothing. I want a complete rank ordering. No ties. After all, there's no room for ties when we're deciding which associates to give a bonus to at the end of the year.

Anonymous Lawyer on Katie Couric:
I don't have an opinion about Katie Couric, because the evening news is on television in the middle of the day, and anyone who watches it is probably unemployed. I find it very difficult to have an opinion about someone whose job is to read the news off a teleprompter at 6:30 in the afternoon. I don't care if it's Katie Couric or Brian Williams or Mr. Ed. I think Katie Couric is a perfectly pleasant newsreader. But I think her job is pretty useless. When I was growing up, we watched the evening news. But with cable news networks and the Internet, network news has outlived its usefulness. Just like women who've passed childbearing age.

Anonymous Lawyer on Women in General:
I think the women who work at the firm, for the most part, are just as competent as the men, and in many cases considerably more competent, since in order to get as far as they've gotten, they've had to overcome some amount of gender bias inherent in the system.... This of course excludes women who get pregnant, or the ones who spend all day thinking about the possibility of getting pregnant to such an extent that it distracts them from working, or the ones who merely retain the ability of becoming pregnant, even if they're currently choosing not to exercise that option. Those women are obviously a liability to the firm.

Any my fave, Anonymous Lawyer on Passover:
So this year we're bending over backwards to accommodate our associates' needs by having a Passover seder at the firm, in one of the conference rooms. We've told the associates they can invite their spouses and kids, and we found a Haggadah that boils the story of Passover down to a 6-8 minute reading before the meal. So we'll go through that, do a quick meal catered in from somewhere appropriately kosher, and have everyone back at his desk in 45 minutes, tops. So everyone who wants to can balance work and the holiday and no one has any cause for complain. We're even extending the invitation to people's parents and in-laws, if they want to invite them, and if they're willing to pay the cost of their food plus a small surcharge for the firm's efforts to organize it all. We're hiring a rabbi -- well, a man dressed as a rabbi, from a casting agency we work with sometimes -- to lead the whole thing, and hopefully it'll go off without a hitch and shut everybody up about our religious insensitivity.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

FishWatch, JF Escape BarBri CivPro Purgatory, Many Section 5/6ers Still Trapped Inside

JF and I have just escaped the 7 hour BarBri CivPro Video Purgatory and have barely enough energy to talk about it. We made it through hour 4, but the thought of hours 5, 6 and 7 made us want to stick our fingers in the non-existent outlets (NOBODY TOLD US IT WAS B.Y.O. E.(xtension) C.(hord)) we had to escape. We are now back at F.U. safe and sound, but many of our Section 5/6 brothers and sisters are still inside watching the tape (yes they charge all that money and then make you watch a tape and still don't provide outlets), and listening as Prof. Dick Freer's voice deteriorates faster than Lindsay Lohan's on SNL. Some observations from the brief (um...4 hours) time we were there.

- At least 2 girls from Rutgers Law came straight from "Friday Night Ladies Drink Free All Night" at Club Hunkabunka in Hoboken wearing their bedazzled jeans, heels, and tube tops. Interesting that one of them had a big orange extension chord and her laptop, she must have been carrying them around all night. I guess they plan ahead on that side of the Hudson. Also, one started giving the other a lap dance during break #2.

- RK strolled in 20 minutes late after his walk of shame took longer than he anticipated. He then came in 5 minutes late after each break, tube top Rutgers Law student following 30 seconds later. Also, he ordered this weird drink in a plastic bag with a hole in it during lunch and spilled it all over the six plug power chords (I guess somebody told all the Cardozo kids about the lack of outlets), creating a wave of sparks and smoke.

- The Prof on the tape was right, we will never forget what special damages are. Did you know you can get a permanent erection after a car accident? Well, neither did the Defendant in that action, hence the special damages notification requirements.

- At least 15% of the class was playing solitaire the whole time. Um...why would you get out of bed on a Saturday at 8am to come watch a 7 hour video, only to sit there and play solitaire? I am not saying this blog is the most productive use of my time, but please people. On the other hand, the fact that it was a video did not stop the gunners from raising their hands when he posed a hypo.

I hope people who stayed can offer more anecdotes from this amazing Saturday in April.

Friday, April 21, 2006

JAGS, Fags, Tour Buses, etc.

I must say the rally today was quite the success. We cheered, using such favorites as, "Hey Hey, Ho Ho...'Don't Ask Don't Tell' Has Got To Go" and "2, 4, 6, 8, Jag Should Not Discriminate." It is a good thing the gays have seen the "Donna Martin Graduates" Episode so many times because it really helped our performance.

And in case you're wondering, we go all around the City in that bus chanting these things. The inside looks like a cross between the set of "The Karen Carpenter Story" and the last living room Thom did for Queer Eye. It has a cash bar from 6-8pm too.


In case you haven't noticed, SBAHackGate related mail has been flooding our inboxes all day long, and, at this rate, it looks like there is no end in sight. (Truthfully though, it's not like our friends on the outside are emailing or calling us to hang out this weekend, so Dean N. E.'s emails make us feel somewhat liked...but not much).

Anyway, a summary of today's onslaught:

From: Abraham Salcedo
Date: Friday - April 21, 2006 12:58 AM
Subject: Thoughts on Re-Election, LLMs and JAG

F.U. Law F'ed up. Also, Vote for me....again. Also, it's really hot in here. Oh, and I quote Ayn Rand.

From: Dean N.E.
To: Dean N.E.
Date: Friday - April 21, 2006 3:41 PM
Subject: Michael Runnels

This email is from the "subject" line and not from the "from" line. Also, F.U. Law F'ed up. Also vote for me. Also, this Jeremy Schiffer kid is better at computers than you are.

And last, but least:
From: Dean N.E.
To: Dean N.E.
Date: Friday - April 21, 2006 4:08 PM
Subject: Dear Students,

We F'ed up. Here's how. Your computer's connected to the internet. The internet's connected to the website. The website's connected to the URL. The URL's connected to the server. The server's connected to something else. And that something else no workie. Also, this Jeremy Schiffer kid is better at computers than you are.

Examining the Examiner: Do you think they read FishWatch over there? Probably not, but we will continue to (pointlessly) comment on the commentary

Looks like things actually have been busy over at the Examiner, cause a whole new set of articles emerged yesterday. Might it have something to do with FishWatch's WatchFul eye...the biting critique? Um...most likely no, but here goes anyway. The latest headlines:

April 21, 2006Graduation Week Preview: Booze, booze, and more booze at cruise, BBQ, and ball

April 20, 2006
Overheard at [F.U.] Law: "[F.] Miracle"

April 20, 2006
Open comments thread: SBA elections

April 20, 2006
Web site loophole prompts new SBA elections on April 24, 25; Law School administration investigates whether loophole was abused

April 20, 2006
Looking for a bar loan? Want to comparison shop?

But my favorite part is the new poll. In fact, I'm actually a little jealous I didn't think of this first. Don't worry I asked and the voting is 100% safe and secure, because the F.U. Law community just can't take another voter scandal right now.
Did you notice the overwhelming stench in the corridor of the basement level on Thursday, April 20?
Yes, and it was awful
Yes, but it's got nothing on the Lowenstein entrance
Yes, and I think it was an Earth Day project
Nope, I've never been to the basement level
Nope, it blended in the usual smell of trash

Variety missed this item today, So I guess FishWatch will write about it...

I am guessing you all saw this, but just in case:
Auditions for a video about [F.U.] will be held this week at the Rose Hill and Lincoln Center campuses. We are looking for students, faculty and administrators to help us tell the [F.U.] story to an internal and an external audience. Taping will take place during the first week of May, with possible re-takes scheduled after final exams. No acting experience is necessary--all participants will appear as themselves. Please stop by one of the locations below to be considered for casting.
As one commenter has noted, this video is filming at the same time that "Trace Higgs: The Movie Musical" will be in production, so those of you who have signed on to "Trace-Higgs," should not even bother sending in your headshot and resume to Dean T. Top billed cast for "Trace Higgs" is below. The page will be up soon, which will include the rest of the cast (alphabetically), so don't get upset if you don't see your character.

Trace Higgs: The Movie Musical
Directed by Rob Marshall
Shot on location at F.U. Law and Kabul


Rachel McAdams............Trace Higgs
Taye Diggs.......................Dr. Higgs
Shoreh Agdashloo..........Afghani Woman with no human rights
Bahar Soomekh..............Afghani Daughter with no human rights
Lindsay Lohan................JF
Reese Witherspoon.......ER
Diane Weist....................Prof H.B.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

VALIUewzM fo' shizzle my nizzle

The below made it through my spam filter just now, maybe cause my spam filter knows what life is like this week. Not sure why I would need any "V/agra" or "C/alis" since I just sit in the libes all day long, but I'm thinking of going in on the others. Let me know if you're in, I'll ask Morna if we get a discount for buying in bulk.

From: Morna Carner <>
Date: Apr 20, 2006 8:16 PM
Subject: Re: VALIUewzM

V / a g r a $ 3 , 3 l
V a l / u m $ l , 2 1
C / a l i s $ 3 , 7 5
X & n a x
A m b / e n
S o m & M e r / d i a

JAGS need Fags Y'all! This post is serious you guys!

Tomorrow 1pm - F.U. Law School Steps - Rally against "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and discrimination in the military. For those of you who missed the silent protest where we got gay bashed by a 3L, you best be there or incur the wrath of FishWatch. Trace Higgs is actually testing Sections 5/6. Anyone who IS in class at 1pm is clearly not a good liberal, and thus gets docked 15 points on the final. (Also, you don't have to be gay to come's called being a gay-ly or alliesbian).

Quote of the Day

"It's OK to say that. It's OK for people to have long term intimate relationships with their executive secretaries." -- Prof H.B.

Shit hits the fan at F.U. Law...literally

I walked into the building after lunch to find that some sort of stink bomb or septic issue was taking place on the garden level and floor one. This is JUST what we need right now. Septic waste + 108º heat + 1 and 1/2 weeks to finals = another refill of paxil. Wonder if they are going to include a scratch and sniff in the new guide book.

Examining the Examiner: F.U. Law's source for up to date news and commentary...

It's time for a new segment called "Examin
ing the Examiner," FishWatch's commentary on F.U. Law's commentary. Things at The Examiner have been pretty busy considering the ongoing SBAHackGate scandal. A brief synopsis of the most current headlines, keeping you in the know and providing a view from all angles of the story:

April 12, 2006
Help wanted: The Examiner needs editors

April 10, 2006
Tune into [F.U.] Law Examiner e-mail edition and win an iTunes or Starbucks gift card

Wow. I'm shocked they got denied the P-litzer.

This being said, for a good time, click here to read a raging debate on all things SBA. Hold on to your Hornbooks people, it gets ugly.

SBAHackGateWatch Day 2: Translating Treanor

It's day two of SBAHackGateWatch and our inboxes were blessed this morning with an email from the Dean himself. For those of you who need a translation, I have provided one below.

I know that it is close to the end of the semester and you are busy working on papers and completing outlines for your exams.
Translation: If you aren't done outlining by now, you are SCREWED. No 7 hour tape at BarBri is going to help you.

However, I do want to encourage you to take the time to vote for next year's SBA Executive Board. Voting will being on Monday, April 24th at 9 a.m. and end on Tuesday, April 25th at 5 p.m.
Translation: You read blogs and Page Six all day long anyway, you may as well log on to vote....again. Also, please note it's APRIL people, NOT January.

I also want to assure you that safeguards have been put in place to allay any concerns that vote tampering could occur.
Translation: We will try not to lose all the votes again and then blame it on student hackers. If we do, we'll just pick out of a god damn hat anyway, not like this fucking matters.

In addition, I want to confirm that the administration of the vote and the tabulation of the all the votes cast is done by Law School's IT Department. No law student is involved in this process.
Translation: Anyone know a good IT person? We didn't have problems like this at YALE LAW SCHOOL.

I look forward to working with next year's SBA Executive Board and thank this year's Board for all their hard work and everything they have done in support of the school.
Translation: What they hell are they even going to do next year? We're not even having a Centennial + 1 Gala. And it's not like they are going to bring in Cupcakes, because I DO THAT MY GOD DAMN SELF.

Have a great day.

Translation: Enjoy sitting in that 107º Library all night long SUCKAS!!!!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

LiveBlogging from the Introduction to the Bluebook Meeting...1Ls dropping like flies...

This is why I didn't want to come to law school. Someone just asked if underlining "see also" as one word differs from underlining them as two separate words. The guy speaking said that was a really good question. I would cite the person who said that, but I have no idea how.

The girl speaking now just told us that this sucks. In case we didn't hear, it sucks. It really sucks. Wait, does this suck?

They have advised us to read this cover to cover after our exams are over. JF said luckily it's small enough to fit in her Balenciaga Hamptons Beach Tote.

In case you forgot, she has reminded us, this sucks. Also, don't italicize. Cause that sucks.

Does anyone have any questions?

SBAHackGateWatch: Day 1 Continues...

You heard it here first kids. The email from the SBA:

There will be an SBA Election REVOTE beginning this Monday, January 24th [sic], at 9:00am and ending Tuesday, January 25th [sic], at 5:00pm.

While it is obvious that no one would like to go through this again, the Dean has called for this step given security issues that were detected in voting. As it his opinion that it would be impossible to provide the student body assurances that there was no tampering with the votes, a new election for the SBA Officers needs to be held. The Dean believes that the ISP Department has put in place safeguards that will ensure that students can only vote once and only with their user name.

A correction email quickly followed, informing us that the vote would actually take place in April and not January. This allayed any fears we had about another technology mishap and restored our full faith in the SBA and F.U. Law ISP Department.

The SBA Rumor Mill Churns...U.N. Election Watchers called in for Monday

A source close to an SBA candidate is now claiming that the F.U. Law Dean has informed the candidates that ELECTION FRAUD is to blame for the lack of a declared winner and the need for re-vote Monday. Someone allegedly hacked into the system and tried to deprive the F.U. Law public of freedom and liberty. We have yet to confirm these allegations, but want to know who in their right mind would hack in to the system to win, considering there is not even going to be a Centennial + 1 Gala next year...

I am pretty sure that Belarus had a more efficient election...

Anyone notice that we finished voting for SBA leadership on April 12th and today is April 19th and we still don't know who won? I am guessing voter turnout was about 47%, which means there are at the most 500 votes to count...and they were done ONLINE, so 7 days is a reasonable amount of time to tally them...

Word on the street is that, surprise surprise, "the technology has failed" and that we will have a NEW election on Monday using blue ink, fingers and monkey symbols.

This is just like the time I went to the booth on S6 to complain about my "wireless" not working and them telling me to get an ethernet cable to fix it. I tried to explain that such a remedy would make my internet access "wire-full," but they didn't seem to get it.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

F.U. Law Students: They're Just like US!

Your chance at fame and glory, people. From the admissions office:
Want to be in the next [F.U. Law] brochure? The Office of Admissions is in need of volunteers for the new admissions brochure. This fall we will unveil the new look for [F.U.] Law School's brochure at a host of recruiting events throughout the country. This major project will serve the Law School for years to come. Don't miss your opportunity to be in the new Admissions brochure. We have a great new designer and in need of new photos to compliment the design.
Sources close to the Dean say that Mario Testino will be shooting the cover and Bruce Webber will be doing the centerfold, to be shot in the grassy knoll at sunset. No word yet on the screening process for potential F.U. models, but I imagine that previous film and tv work as well as any pageant titles are a plus.


On the board right now in K:
P'ors defs rule (cd ass ag p'ee)
#1 EX - by agr bet P'or + P'ee
Is she making this easier for us to be able to text message this stuff to each other? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? This from a woman who told us we are absolutely not allowed to abbrev. on our exams.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Law and Literature: This post brought to you by the letter "D"

Most people think of Tennyson or those old English dudes who wrote Beowulf when they think of the luscious literary technique of alliteration. I, on the other hand, think Calamari and Perillo, who use the device brilliantly in their fifth edition of "On Contracts." Behold:

If the delegant delegates a delegable duty to a delegate and the delegate performs, the duty of the delegant will be discharged.

Shakespeare himself could not conjure up such commanding contract codifications. Another fine example:

When the delegating party delegates a duty, the delegant's liability continues unless there is a discharge by the other party in consideration of the delegate's assumption of the delegant's duty.

KP Dubbs would be so proud...

My Father The Drug Dealer

My dad just got a new Blackberry and apparently there are some very special new features that I never got with my version when I used to work for a living.

Date: April 17, 2006 1:18pm
Subject: Re: Info

Welcome to the world of crckberry!!!
Hope all is well with youm.

FishWatch's Monday Styles Section

A lot of readers have been asking me if it's OK to lug around all those thick, heavy law school books in a "wheelie." (Think flight attendant, or people who are too crazy to check in their luggage so they cram all their crap in a "wheelie" and then shove it in to the overhead compartment before you get there so you have to put your small, manageable backback under the seat in front of you where you will proceed to kick it the entire flight). (Yes I fly JetBlue).

While the "wheelie" may save you from developing back problems, it is just not OK to be walking around school dragging your bag behind you on wheels. Instead, think about a big, cavernous "weekend bag." I recommend Coach or Jack Spade. That way, you can carry about 35-40lbs on your right shoulder and look as if you are heading to the Cape or East Hampton right after class. People will constantly asking where you are headed for the next 3-5 days and you can just make shit up. Your classmates will be sooooooo jealous.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter! FishWatch back to eating carbs....

Happy Easter to all of our Christian readers! ER, FishWatch's Catholic in residence, is especially joyous today, not just because she is excited about her easter hat or the Gospel of Judas, but also because she can go back to eating entire packs of starbursts, which she gave up for lent along with all other sweet things. I can vouch for her success, she didn't even eat my birthday cupcakes! Or the Career-Social cupcakes from Buttercup Bakery. BUTTERCUP!!!!!!

I know how she feels. Although I'm not part of the Judeo-Christian tradition, I gave up ALL carbs for lent, which was a rough 40 days, but well worth it. Although it is still a few more days before I can eat LEAVENED carbs. Sigh.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

FishWatch's LibraryHeatWaveWatch Day 2

It is Day 2 of FishWatch's LibraryHeatWaveWatch and temperatures (and tempers) are rising. Some students went to complain to the circ. desk twice and the man sitting way back behind the desk would not even get up to talk to them because he could not leave the wind path created by his minifan for fear of collapsing. His only comment was that the environmental situation was out of his sweaty, balmy hands. All the classrooms are locked (yes, I checked every one), so that leaves only outside to study. This creates a problem because there are many distractions when it is this nice outside, which are not conducive to learning the law.

Just out of curiosity, I googled the temperature at which avian bird flu incubates and spreads the best, and i am now scared for my life. Feel free to share HeatWave anecdotes in the comments section.

UPDATE: JF and I have moved to an undisclosed location in the stacks and are huddled next to a $3.99 plastic fan. The knob to make it move back and forth is broken so the fan is stuck in one position. JF's Dell is overheating and so she may have to go home. Now we know how the guy at the circ. desk feels.

My Claritin/Allegra/Xanax/Vicodin morning cocktail seems to work, maybe you should talk to your doctor about the same...

Some have called me OCD, but there is no denying that there is a throat clearing epidemic at the F.U. School of Law Library. I am not talking about the occasional "eh-hem" or "mm-mmm." I am talking about a guttural, 7 second long, polysyllable expunging of g*d knows what. Can people not hear themselves when they do it every 60 seconds? At first I thought allergies, or the 105º heat in here. But now I think there are deeper psychological issues underlying the problem. JF noticed one culprit today, even without my mentioning it, so I think it's not so much my OCD as a real problem that the SBA needs to take seriously.

I thought these nose and throat issues were unique to the F.U. libes, but one reader studying at the N.Y.U. Law Libes today wrote in:

Um...there is a girl sitting across from me who snorts...every 30 seconds.

Can't say we have encountered that here yet, but if other throat clearers show up today, I may start snorting as means of retaliation.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Nothing like some Terri Schiavo humor to get you through the day...

Don't forget to include this in your Civ Pro outlines people:

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Flashcards are the new bound outlines which were the new binders which were the new marc jacobs

Last semester, bound outlines were the tool used to intimidate and show our tort(u)ous prowess and criminal intent to kick ass. This semester, let there be no doubt, constantly carrying around and using "Law in a Flash" flashcards on the big three subjects (do we even have a con law final?) is the way we are going to show the rest of the school that we are insightful legal minds. Some may laugh at the character names (Gilligan and Ginger; Bonnie and Clyde; Lindsay and Wilmer; Auntie M and Dorothy; fish), but "Law in a Flash" is way serious. I stole my sets from the Stein Scholars outline bank. For you future rich people, I guess the bookstore or amazon? Or just corner JF in the dungeon locker area and steal them from her.

Hot Sundae

ER wrote in this morning that the most famous Saved By The Bell episode EVER was on, and how appropriate given the stress of finals. In these trying times, if you are feeling overwhelmed, just watch this video, and take the words to heart. And then pop some more caffeine pills and learn what §1367 means.

Here's a message that I'm
sending to you
You can do what you want to do
A little work never hurt no one
It's the only way to get things done.

Put your mind to it
Go for it
Get down and break a sweat
Rock n' Roll
You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Let my people go

Anyone else notice that is about 100ºF in the libes right now? JF is very uncomfortable and is basically naked. I told her the heat was intentional - to remind her of the long journey her people made through Egypt after escaping slavery.